you're a mystery yourself

Monday, July 28, 2014

11:02 PM

I simply felt that I should write everything down to record how I felt towards all these incidents that have happened. I thought that these people would be the people whom I will be travelling with in Vegas, rooming with in Vegas. But things will never go as planned. As soon as the second year starts, my friendships crumbled. One that hurts me the most is the one with the best friend whom I thought will be with me for the rest of my life, literally.

He is a person of another race. I've never had a close friend like this, not to mention a guy friend in this case. We shared everything under the sun and talked to each other basically 24/7. Last year, this time, he told me that he was starting to fall for someone. I decided to do everything I can to help him. At least IMO, I did. They've gotten close and now, they are official for almost a year.

But where did that friendship gone to? He was troubled for a period because there was someone bothering that relationship, and as a close friend, I decided to stand by him. But in return, I think I've gotten hatred from the entire clique. And him, without telling me anything, left. No farewell messages or whatsoever. The last message I received from him was a thank you message for the t-shirt I gave him for his birthday. And I had to ask someone else to pass it to him in this case. And a day after that, I realized that he blocked me on whatsapp. 'If that's what he wants, I will give it to him'; that was the one thing on my mind. We are no longer friends, no longer acquaintances. Merely strangers.

Perhaps I was behaving like a kid. Being childish, like a sister not wanting her older brother to be snatched away. I wanted all the attention all me. If I could, I would have turn back in time and stop everything from occurring. Because he is one of the people I never want to lose. My dear brother.\

Sorry for being such a childish brat. Sorry if I caused any trouble for all of you. Thanks for all the memories that you have given me. Happy or sad, I will treasure them. Because as of now, you are the one brother whom I acknowledged with all my heart.

After 15 August, maybe I will never see you again, maybe I will. So here's me wishing you all the best for your future endeavors. I loved you, my brother. Thank you and sorry.

Hello and Goodbye.

&the beauty.

3:17 PM

Oh great, less than a week and problems again.
Last Friday, after the talk, I have decided to let everything go and be NORMAL FRIENDS.
But there you are, talking to me everyday, like CLOSE FRIENDS.

Okay, can. I let it be.
You use words to make me feel close.
When I said I feel alone in the group, I feel left out.
You said: You still got me
When I said, nobody will like the art piece I drew.
You said: I do. Seriously.
You said you will repay me for all the things I did for you because you felt embarrassed to be my friend.
I said its okay, but you insisted on treating me. So where is the tauhuey store you mentioned?

My normal friend,
all you said were nothing but lies.
My heart hurts like shit. Not because I like you.
Can you imagine that I tried sleeping at 2300 last night, cried in my bed for almost 2 hours and waited for another 1 hour before I can actually sleep?
You made such a great impact in my life, and you expect me to stop my feelings like that?
YOU ARE REALLY SELFISH.

You want everything to go your way, have you thought of how I actually felt?
I am sad, angry and depressed.

&the beauty.

12:32 AM

My friend started talking to me after reading my letter.
The five page letter I wrote.
Yay or nay?

I really dont know what I should be feeling.
Once bitten, twice shy.
He says he will explain tmr.
I am kind of scared.
The wounds in my heart have just turned into scars,
please dont turn them into wounds again.

&the beauty.

12:25 AM

Too much memories.
Everything reminds me of the times when it was still a happy friendship.
Too cruel.

&the beauty.

2:11 PM

You really don't know.
You don't know how cruel you are towards me.
It just all come crumbling down.
So much that I don't know how to handle.

&the beauty.

7:36 PM

Yes, it's Christmas Eve tonight and the loner Karen is just gonna sleep the night off.
It feels like everyone is loved and I'm not.
Seeing my two girl friends receiving presents and love from their uni buddy just makes me feel sad.
Not the fact that I don't receive any presents from my buddy, but I already lost my buddy made me feel sad.
I just want some love from my friend, is it that difficult?

I'm pinning on hopes, which is a bad bad thing.
I'm expecting things from you, which my mind jolly well know that nothing will come.
In fact, I know that nothing will change. Even after you read my 5 page letter.
But at least I am able to convey how I feel.
I have never loved any friend like a family member.
I guess you are the first and most likely the last.
Yes, it's love. But a more profound kind of love that you don't get, apparently.

I sincerely hope that you will understand this love of mine.
Perhaps not now, but one day.
I hope that one day will come.
So that my wish made in Bintan will not e futile.
-prays-

Till we meet next time(:

&the beauty.

1:32 AM

Okay and here I am with my new blog.
Everything will start anew from today.

Yesterday has been disastrous for me.
The person whom I held so close for months, told me that he cant put up/accommodate with me anymore.
It made me wonder, was I even an important friend to him in the first place?
He told the rest that I was, but then his actions just made me doubt him all the time.

We are all learning, but there he is pushing me away.
I persevered so long because I cherished this friendship, but then what do I get in return?
I really have no idea to give up or to continue to hang on.
He is someone whom entered my life and helped me in my darkest phases.
I really want to do the same for him, if only he would let me enter his heart.

ps: I dont like him, i really dont. I just love him like a family member, really.

&the beauty.